The first step is admitting you're addicted

Hi. I'm Josh. Im a recovering Uptown-oholic. I use to get apps at Figilo, move onto some cheap wine and service for that matter at Zeno's and then fall all over myself trying to be seen at Bar Abilene. The morning i woke up with a migraine, pants at my ankles and a broken Shins cd in hand, i decided to seek help for my addiction.

On doctors advice, i went cold turkey on the juice. Gone were the days of strolling by the Lagoon saying to myself, "Hey Russians make movies" or past the Uptown thinking "I thought they had a midnight showing of 2 Fast 2 Furious?" Walking out of Tatters with my fake retro Devo shirt that had it been official Devo merchandise, would have spontaneously combusted upon altering the delicate balance of wavelengths in the shirt and scaring myself I lit up The Strokes latest 5 months too late. Or falsely proclaiming "i love sushi", but claiming I ate my portion and more last night and couldn't join you tonight even though i would never eat that shit.

So far it has been good. Occasionally I hit up Jitters in Nordeast, but i can't stay long because well...it makes kind of queasy. I make my way down Central trying to connect to my German heritage at the Gasthof, but as for most polka loathing people, i puked in my mouth a bit. It doesn't taste good....

Recently i heard they were gonna play hockey again here. For some reason, with St. Paul being just that much further away, it has never appealed to me to drive there. But with that certain sea sickness I have for MPLS, maybe its time to jump ship.

:Afterword:
Later after taunting local St Paul restaurant proprietors, the city banishes him to Coon Rapids. During transport, he commits suicide just off highway 10 in Mounds View. Ironically it doesn't spare him any embarrassment.

Absentee Almodovar

I really don't have an explanation as to why I have not watched Talk To Her yet. The library has already started to charge me with overdue fees twice and still this has not inspired me to just sit for a max of 2.5 hours and at least say i started to view it. Though this is not an uncommon occurence. The exact same thing happened when I rented Heavenly Creatures, which i have heard many good things about and ended up keeping it late and returning it in the end without having watched it.

I guess i ask myself: Am i too good for a free movie? I mean there is a higher chance of me renting and watching The Pacifier sooner than either of these two. My brain is shutting down as i write, so joelsj ,jeslkje oh my god! eahld kdjaoe.

And my newest quest is to get everyone to at least be able to say hello and go fuck yourself in as many languages as possible. Since i don't really know the latter in any language, i'll substitute good morning, which if you say it in the right way can be a fuck you to someone.

~The Polish Language~

hello - czesc (ch-yes-ch) "ch" sound like in chatter.
good morning - djien dobry (jean doh-bree)

You like that. Huh!

The lighter side of Michael Bay films

Michael Benjamin Bay, or as people not so close to him like to say, Mr. Summer Blockbuster has done it again this summer. For better or worse.

I had the "privledge" of seeing the new blockbuster The Island last week and after reliving his glory years with the viewing of Armaggedon last night, I decided a Top Seven(since he has only made seven films)list needed to be born.

~ Michael Bay is God - Top Seven Movie List ~

#7 Bad Boys II

The first quesion one asks is what took them so long. I was really hoping for some more zany, wacky Martin Lawrencesque lines from the first one, but he was kind of a whiny bitch throughout this one. Upon this performance it begs the question, does he actually get invites to premeires or is he always Will Smith's +1.

Does it really matter if i don't describe the signature chase scenes, low angled aircraft flyovers and a couple of explosions?

#6 Pearl Harbor

The two things that I came out of thinking about this film were: 1) Who cares if Kate Beckinsale can act and 2) Where can one not see Josh Hartnett in Minneapolis? I guess i never cared to look but was there any actual resistance to the Japanese like in the movie or did we just have our asses handed to us. And the prose is second to none in this one. Check out this classic exchange between ex-Bennifer and Beckinsale.

Rafe: You are so beautiful it hurts
Evelyn: Its your nose that hurts.
Rafe: I think it's my heart.

Killer!!

#5 Untitled Transformers Film

Can you believe it! A film that hasn't even been made beat out the latter classics. I hope there is more than meets the eye, with dude directing it.

#4 The Island

This one ended up here because it barely has formed legs yet. See how I worked in the reproduction joke in there. The entire time I was watching this I was thinking about what kind of coffee Scarlett would order at Starbucks. Is she a Caramel Macchiato, Americano or just a plain old black coffee drinker? Of course this would involve lots of staring into each other eyes and smoking cigarettes. Can one honestly name someone with more natural beauty than this girl right now.

As for the movie, I dig sci-fi films. Yet, i found it disgusting "dude" under-utilized Scarlett and Ewan's acting skills and made the boat "Restivo" or whatever have more impact on the plot than their characters.

#3 Bad Boys

To be honest, i haven't seen this film in a long time and all i can remember is Martin Lawrence's "I'll pretend to be a white guy asking for some brown sugar" line. Though i assume it has explosions and corny dialogue like the rest of them. Is there anything memorable I have missed?

#2 The Rock

With the main character's name as Stanley Goodspeed(Nic Cage) how can this not be #2. For some reason i thought it had more talented actors than Sean Connery and Ed Harris, but really it had those same guys that play militant guerillas for hire in every film where this often used plotline happens. But the movie links in this film are phenomonal. The same uncredited man plays the president in both this film and the upcoming Armageddon. Amazing!

You also catch Leaving on a Jet Plane in the background of one scene, which parallels Ben Afflecks fantastic singing performance in Armageddon. Sometimes the world is so beautiful, i don't know if i want to experience anymore of it and just remember those good times when I heard one of the most overrated songs in history. Whatever happened to Puff, The Magic Dragon!

#1 Armageddon

"I close my eyes, just to hear you breathin" Who doesn't just break down and curl into the fetal position when you hear that. Did anyone notice that this is the only movie ever to double as an Aerosmith video. But in all the confusion, Alicia Silverstone is no where to be found.

I mean this has to be the best one, because its the only one with a Steve Buscemi cameo in it and we all know that he single-handily delivers the best lines in other fan faves such as Con Air and now The Island.

This film has a ton of factual and continuity errors such as fire in space and other NASA geek stuff, to which Bay responds, "it's a movie and not many people know about these things." The sad part is he is right, because during the initial impact blast 65 million years ago or whatever, the geography of the world looks as it does today. But it doesn't really matter cause when it's all said and done anyway, everyone knows Americans will be the only survivors of a meteor impact.